365 Days Ago

Clair at the top of Roan(e) Mountain

      So, exactly a year ago I was in Virginia, it was my first full day of my Wildlife Internship. I was happy and smiling and ready to change the world by helping save one baby animal at a time. I had no idea how much that summer would change the rest of the year. A year ago if I had introduced myself to you, I may have said that I wanted to save hurt animals, that I was in the fourth year of a relationship with my high school sweetheart, or that I have had the same job since high school. None, of this things are true now.

I have changed so much in this past year, its hard for me to realize that it took only a year for all these change to happen. It hasn't been easy, but with the support of Alyssa, Whitney, and Anna it has been bearable. Last June and July, I was in Roanoke, Virginia and I was miserable. I wasn't enjoying my internship, I missed my home, my friends, and everything that was familiar about Monroe, Louisiana. I felt like an outsider with my Louisiana accent and felt immature when I couldn't join the other girls just bc i wasn't 21 yet. I felt childish for missing Monroe so much, bc it was my first time to be away from the comfort and familiarity of home. And the entire time I was tired, I was always tired--emotional and mentally. I was working 11 hours a day most days and felt like I was just patching up road kill. When I left the basement I was working in, I would walk across a yard to the basement I was living in. In my mind all I could think of would be the failures of that day--the vomiting raccoons, mangled deer, rabbits with their skin falling off. You would think that the only escape would be the couple hours a night of sleep--Wrong. As I slept the horrors of the day creeped into my dreams, my dreams made it where there was no escape at all.

I tried to learn to enjoy being alone--what was my other option. On my days off, (which seems few and far between) I was able to go to the Mill Mountain Zoo, Center in the Square ( a super museum with different museums on each floor), drive on the Blue Ridge Parkway, and see Eclipse. I enjoyed doing each of these things, but I did each of them alone. It made me more homesick for Rose, Whitney, and Micah. Being away, helped some one my relationships and hurt (or even possibly ended) others. In the evenings, if I wasn't at the Rehab Center I sometimeswatched TV with Rose, well with Rose on the phone. Also, the time away from Whitney made us realize how much we needed each other and to not stress over the little bumps of friendship (and I am so glad we made up that summer bc I had no idea how much I would need her when school started that fall). That summer was especially hard on me and Micah. I sometimes wonder if it was the reason we broke up or at the last straw on the camel's back. Regardless, it was hard on both of us, but it was the right choice.

It might seem that those two months are what made me change so much in the past year, but that is not necessarily true. When I got home there was only a few days before school started. Anna moved into the dorms, and she, Whitney, and Alyssa (half of the time) were all at the same school as me—(THANK GOODNESS). To be honest having Anna and Whitney go to school with me made me nervous at first. It would be weird to have Anna be around my ULM friends and I had never been to the same school as Whitney and I was worried about it changing the dynamic of our friendship. Having these three girls at the same school as me is probably the only reason why I’m still alive.

So, when school started last August life was a little different, Anna wasn’t at home, but I saw her nearly every day at school, I wasn’t working for the library, and then the second day of school I broke up with Micah. Wow, that was a big change. I saw him more than anyone of my other friends. Nearly every friend I had was “our” friend and not “my” friend. It was so strange being single for the first time since I was 16, none of my college friends had ever known me as just Clair. It was confusing at first, I didn’t know what do on the weekends or who to call to tell when I got off work or went to bed. The decision to end my relationship with Micah was a super hard decision and is probably the reason for most of the change this past year. With the support and help of my friends I was able to not only get over it, but enjoy life more than I had in years. I was able to go visit Les in Baton Rouge, spend nearly every night at Whitney’s during winter break, and be able to have countless girl’s nights. Single life’s was so fun, so spontaneous.

I realize know that when one friend enters a new chapter of her life and the other does not (or enters a completely different chapter) that it changes the dynamic of the friendship. When the dynamic of a friendship it confuses scares ppl and sometimes it hurts us. Scared, hurt girls are much like a cornered animal, often time they do or say something hurtful to someone she loves. I’d like to apologize to one of my friends that I have hurt this past year. I have no real excuse or reason to why I was so hateful, but I am sry. And even though we are at different places in our lives right now, I still love you and miss watching Youtube videos with you.

Because of the changes in friendships and relationships, this past semester I was able to meet a pair of fantastic girls with similar interests as me. It is amazing to me that just a couple of months ago I only knew them by name and know we are as close as we are. I think that the best decision I made this semester was to take herpetology, yes it was fun and informative, but more importantly than that it allowed me to meet Stormy and Chelsey. These two have introduced me to many other friends this semester; I have shared a million laughs and a hundred inside jokes with these girls, and even survived meet a giant copperhead. I am glad that I will have Stormy in like every one of my classes next semester and wish that Chelsey would still be at ULM with us.

Through this year has been a year of immense change, I’m still Clair and I still have my family and friends to support me as I try to finish college and figure out what the next step of life is. I know that over this next year there will be change to and it may not always be fun and first, but that there is a reason for it. One of the changes that I know will happen in the next year is that Alyssa will be moving to Boston. I know it will be hard on me and Anna to see her leave, and it will be hard for her to go but I wish her the best and I know this is what is right for Alyssa. I have no idea what I am going to do without this girl.

So, as my senior year of college begins and as my summer begins. I say bring it.